31 Nights of Halloween Horror - Night 12 - Itsy Bitsy

Itsy Bitsy

94 mins.

Dir. Micah Gallo

2019/USA

You know how some movies before they even start you know they are going to suck, but you watch them anyway hoping your wrong?  Well Itsy Bitsy is one of those movies.  I knew it was going to suck, I watched it anyway and I was right.  It is no secret that I am afraid of spiders, but I am not afraid of spider movies.  I tend to watch them figuring the dumbest spider movie is going to scare me.  Though I have yet to see one that has given me nightmares.

So in this dumb spider movie, which doesn’t know half the time if it wants to be a drama or a horror movie.  We open with some kind of voodoo ritual or some shit.  Crazy ass people in skull make-up are doing some crazy ass shit and some crazy ass person comes and kills them all and steals some kind of crazy ass relic.  This was supposed to be some kind of set up that really felt unnecessary.

Cut to the cliché family leaving New York to start a new life in a small town.  Mom is running away from her problems, blah blah blah.  In this cliché story, Mom was in a car accident that killed one her kids, it ruined her marriage, she is distraught with grief has no money and has taken her two remaining kids, a younger naïve girl and the older brother who resents her.  She lands a job taking care of some old guy who deals with antiques and historical relics.  He has masks dating back to 500 B.C. just hanging on the wall, not behind glass case just hanging there collecting dust.  “What this old thing?”

Anyway, single mom and the kids are staying at the guest house next store to the eccentric old timer.  That’s part of the deal, they get free room and board, she takes care of the old dude.  Though really it seems like mom doesn’t take care of anyone, she just pops pills.  Some guy comes by the old dude’s house and presents him with a relic of a vase that was stolen from the people in the beginning of the film.  They argue, the vase gets broken and it turns out there is a giant spider inside.  Actually its some ancient demon goddess who takes the form of a spider.

So for no apparent reason this giant spider who hops back and forth between the two houses and always seems to pop up at the exact spot it is needed, terrorizes the family, which in turn brings them closer together.  Yawn.

Really all we are interested in is the spider.  Now I am probably biased here, but even a small sized rubber spider is going to freak me out.  The one in this movie is about the size of a large cat, so already this size seems feasible to me and something to worry about.   Giant spiders that scale buildings are indeed a problem, but seem easier to handle then a cat sized spider in your house.  The spider in this film is all practical effects, no CGI, so its movement is a little slow and wonky, but effective enough to keep me away.

The spider scenes are not enough, and almost secondary to the family drama.  They are effective enough when they are on screen, but it all could have been so much better and creepier.  Bottom line, fuck spiders and kind of fuck this movie.  If you need something creepy for the kids to watch and get nightmares, this one should do the trick.  No nudity, I don’t remember much profanity, some blood and goo when the spider bites people and they instantly get infected.  But maybe that is part of the problem.  The whole movie is too safe.  Denise Crosby from Pet Semetary pops up as the town sheriff.  And again, fuck spiders.  They are all this size in my eyes and need to be destroyed no matter the cost.